Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Feeling empty

Friends who live abroad and have one child visited us. It was nice evening. Since we haven't see each other for almost a year, there were lots of news also from our side. We showed them the plans for our future little house.

They were looking at the plans of the rooms and then she explained - "Great, you have even one child's room upstairs!".

I quickly corrected her that that will be our office, with 2 desks and place to store all of our papers.

Nothing further was said on that topic.

The evening left me empty. Why do I even bother spending time with people who don't bother to understand me? I have known this friend for 25 years (we were in university together). And she knows about all the failed IVFs.  How could she think that now, aged 44  (when we will move to the house I will be almost 46) we need a room for a child?

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Just let life decide and fall in love with our destiny

How lovely it is to have penfriends. They can send you links to awesome articles that you would otherwise miss.

Dear Elaine, thank you for this link, I just loved the article!
http://www.lennyletter.com/health/a956/garance-dore-failing-ivf/


"Truth is, life is not fair, and life has no rules. Life is much better than that. We're not at school. It's not the hardest working or the wealthiest or the most virtuous that succeed at "perfect" happiness. Sometimes, the most we can do is nothing. Just let life decide and fall in love with our destiny. That's what we chose to do, for now.
We're complete even if we don't check all those stupid boxes. We're complete without a shiny job. We're complete without a shiny wedding. We're complete without a shiny baby."



Saturday, August 19, 2017

Never having grandchildren

I was having a busy day at work, attending a whole day meeting. I felt good - until I let one silly coworker ruin my day.

To make a long story short - she is approx 10 years older then me and has just got her second grandchild. She just couldn't stop showing newborn's photos to various coworkers - some of them are grandmothers, some hope to be soon, most of them are younger and have small kids.

If you have children - how easy it is to participate in small talks like this.

It is still hard to me. It is way easier to talk work related stuff.

This experience left me worried.  How will I handle arrival of grandchildren of people I know? I am afraid that I will be hurt all over again.

My original plan was to write a blog for few years until I am healed and then stop. But I guess I will be needing my blog in the years to come.

***

The next day I was having lunch with group of younger coworkers (they are all around 30 - 35, they all have two kids) and one of them started to talk about a woman we all know who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  They told how they check their breasts every month (so do I).  I added that I had already had two mammographies. They wanted to know why and I told them that because I am in endangered group so I was sent already now (not when 50 as usually in our country). They wanted to know what I meant by endangered group and I replied that it was because I had never given birth. It was easier to say this then to say that because I never breastfed.

The young coworkers were kind and intelligent, talking to them didn't make me sad.

It is what it is.  Now it is up to me what I make out of my life.


Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Summer photos




The latest two photos, from the walk with DH and our dog. I just love the nature in our only national park.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

I am beautiful and I am not old :)

Some highlights from the last few weeks:

Swimming with  beloved Wolf in my favourite part of our country, in the crystal clear lake.


Today, when going for a walk, Wolf found wounded little hedgehog. He was stuck in hot sun, on the road, so I took him with me  to my vegetables garden and put him in the shadows, together with water and food. When I returned home it was gone... I was so happy! I hope it gets well soon (I think it will, it was very vivid).




 And here is the cutest story possible. I was walking to the library when I saw a young mother with two little daughters, twins, aged around two. As I was passing by one of the girls said something to her mother and pointed at me. I didn't really hear well, but then a mother repeated after a child: "Yes, the aunt is beautiful."  I smiled at the baby, thanked her and returned the compliment. (a note: a lot of times with young children they use word aunt instead of Ms./Lady/woman). Perhaps the child only liked my white dress with flower ornament. But since she was looking directly into my eyes I prefer to think that she liked my smile. Her comment made my week. Because I know that only few years back I could not smile to any child and now I can.  It feels good. 


Another kids' story.  The other day I took three kids to the swimming pool. Cousin's daughter is now eight and as I was in my swimming suits she was observing me. And she asked: "Klara, are you pregnant?"   (a note: yes, I should do push-ups more often then twice per year). 
"No, I am not." 
"But don't you want to give birth to a baby?????"
"Well, I am just too old to have a baby now." 
The child remained speechless. For the very first time she heard that there is such a thing as being too old for having a baby. 
The niece who is 9 said nothing. She just listened. 
But the cutest was the girl's little brother, aged 5. He asked with disbelief: "So Klara, you are old???". For him - his granny is old. And his great-grandmother is old.  And I am not :)