Bittersweet

There are many children in my life that I love. But my top favourite was always my cousin's almost 4 years old daughter. She is the sweetest child I have ever seen (as sweet as was her mum. My cousin is 6 years younger, she always felt like a sister - since we lived all our childhood together, in the same house). 

My cousin needed babysitting for yesterday afternoon, so I volunteered.  

I asked my friend Mattie whether I can come with my niece to play with her children. Of course we were welcomed (Mattie's 5-year-old daughter was so excited over a new friend coming to her house). We came, there were already also two neighbours' kids, so there were all together 5 children aged 4 to 7. It was so vivid! And a great fun. My niece and Mattie's daughter got along perfectly.

Then we went to our apartment, to eat a muffin, draw a picture, play on the swings outside. When the evening came, I wanted to take her home, but she refused. She said she wanted to stay overnight with me. 

(I explained she can, when she is bigger. She asked how much bigger she has to be. I answered that when she is 7. Then I had to show her how many 7 fingers are :)

It was lovely and precious to have my niece (I know she is not really my niece, but she feels like) for three hours. 

But also bittersweet. To experience sweet moments that mothers can experience every day. And my infertility robbed me of them.  

Losing my last friend from ex-IVF-support group

Going through IVF cycles I had a wonderful group of friend.  We met twice a month, there were 4-6 of us. I have nice memories. Those girls helped me through the darkest days of infertility.

I will try to make story short.

In few years all of them (except me) got a baby (two of them adopted from Russia). And bit by bit I started to losing them. But until today I thought I had one of the friends left. 

I don't.

Let's call her Lili (that was her nick on-line where we met).   Lili has golden heart. She was always my favourite from the group.  But after having a baby she was always either busy or exhausted or both. So we hardly ever met, only once a year, sometimes twice. We phoned each other often and so I just always thought that long phone calls will be our substitute until Lili's daughter gets out of diapers / starts to go to kindergarten / ...

Lili told me that this week she is home alone (her DH took their daughter and his mother for a holiday) so she invited me for afternoon date after work. I was really looking forward to it!  And when I came (at 4.30 pm) she said that she has only one hour for me and then she is meeting two colleagues (she apologized, she described the reason, but it did not persuade me).

I was so pissed off. And hurt. 

So. It is official. I lost my last friend from ex-IVF-support group. Each person gets only one opportunity to treat me badly.

Perhaps it is OK this way.  Perhaps I needed this. To help me forget many years that were spent focusing on IVF.

***

When going back home I just thought how lucky am I to have my best friend, Mattie. She always finds time for me, despite two small kids. At least once a week (and not only once a year).

***
And how happy can I be to have my beloved Wolf. He ALWAYS has time for me :)

Muffins mean being happy

I had a beautiful Sunday.

I spent the morning in a forest, picking up blueberries for the first time this year. I love blueberries - they are delicious and extremely healthy.

I baked blueberry muffins in the afternoon.  I used to bake muffins very often in the first few years of our marriage (my DH adores muffins). But then, somehow, when the dark years of infertility came, I just stopped baking them (and I don't even know why). Looking back it seems that I just did not have energy for things like that.

Anyway, I baked them again today and they are really really delicious. It is so good to have a  bit of my old happy life back. 

I love growing my own vegetables

Reason why I haven't blogged for a while?  I was busy growing my own vegetables. There is so much to do, but I really love it. 

I am attaching three photos:

• one of my favourite vegetables are hokkaido pumpkins. There is no better meal then orange soup in December.
• the first vegetable that will be ready to pick will be peas. Can't wait!
• the best part of working in the garden: my beloved Wolf is always there, watching me. 

This week I really had not even a second available for any negative thought. I love it!

And - after really cold spring we got summer. 30 - 35 C most of the days.  So my plan for this week was: work as little office hours as possible & swimming after the work & working in the garden.

Not interesting!

The summer came to my country. It is hot & sunny & perfect.

This means that all people that have kids either in kindergarten or in school are having good-bye picnics these days.

I spent almost whole day with a coworker (mother of two) in the neighbouring country, visiting some clients.And this coworker was the 5th woman this week that felt the need of explaining me the process of buying a present for the teacher (including the amount of money spent and all details of the gift).

Do they REALLY think that this is something I find remotely interesting?

(it was lovely to return home, to my beloved Wolf. He never gives me any unwanted information).

***
I wish you all a beautiful weekend.
Mine will include some cycling and lots of working in the garden.

Healthy & Happy

I got back the results yesterday.
0 blood. 0 proteins.
I am relieved. Happy.

Obviously I need reminders like that to really focus on all the great things that I do have in my life.  And not to spend my life in mourning of dreams that never came true.

To celebrate my healthy body I went for a bike tour yesterday afternoon. And then I went for a short jogging (now I am already able to jog for 10 minutes). I felt great afterwards.

Infertility is all I can handle

I just had a preventive medical check-up (the company that I work for sends me every two years). Two years ago the results were fine. This time everything was fine except urine results.

I had proteins and blood in the urine.

I got used to living with infertility. I can handle it.

But I could not handle renal failure or something like that.

I went to see my doctor today. She said that I shouldn't worry yet, first of all I have to repeat the test. (I will repeat it in few days).

Please, keep your fingers crossed for me!

(the last time I asked for it, it really helped)

Finding happiness after infertility

I have a new hobby. I like to observe with the help of which search keywords people find my blog.




Today somebody searched for "Finding happiness after infertility" and found my blog.

How cool is that :)

Infertility really sucks

I have just read Lisa's latest post: http://lifewithoutbaby.com/2013/06/03/children-in-my-future/ 
Her post really touched my soul. I haven’t thought much about it – but the psychic is so right. My head is already OK with being childless. So is my heart – at least most of the time. But my soul is broken and I don’t know how to fix it. 

My cousin visited my parents yesterday and I also came for a visit. We were chatting and then the cousin mentioned that his wife had pregnancy control. And I didn't even know she was pregnant (=obviously nobody wanted to tell me).

Another pregnancy in the family. This really sucks. It is not that cousin is a close family. But this cousin lives in the apartment together with my granny. So whenever I will visit my granny, I will have to see his pregnant wife. And it sucks.

I felt so down yesterday.  I went cycling, but it didn't help. Then I went jogging (for the third time this year). This finally helped. I felt better afterwards.

Infertility really scars you for life. I guess I will be 80 and whenever I will hear another pregnancy announcement, I will feel a heartache. And I will be mourning for something I never had.

(It didn't help either that yesterday was the first day of my period. This time it is really strong. It is the period number 130 since TTC. I was heartbroken for the first 100 of them. I am now OK with it. Just yesterday I was really not OK).

Feeling fine

Sad days come and go.

I just feel it is important that I write something also when I am feeling down. So that the other bloggie friends who are also in childless-not-by-choice situation see that they are not alone when the sad days come...

I am fine today. Yesterday I visited my best friend's kids for five minutes and then I went for a long walk with my friend. It was nice to be with her.

She told me something extra sweet. A month ago I took for the very first time her 7-year-old son for the afternoon. We went for an ice cream and then for a really long walk in the forest (he adores being in forest). It was fun to be with him. I thought him how to count to 10 in Italian (all kids start to learn English at an early age in my country, so a new language besides English was something  interesting for him). And yesterday my friend told me that for the last month her son insists that they count to 10 in Italian every evening, while cleaning his teeth. How cute is that!  

I will never have a child. But I love the idea that I have many children in my life where I can leave small, positive marks.

***
I am fine today. I am reading a book (The Great Gatsby). I will make some home made pasta with sage on olive oil & parmesan cheese. Then we will take the Wolf on a short walk. How I wish the Wolf could make 20-kilometer-long walk as he used to. Now 2 kilometers are his maximum.

Have a beautiful Sunday!

Feeling blue

It has been 30 years since the first baby conceived by IVF was born in my country. In the past two weeks articles about magic IVF were literally everywhere. Most of them included data that 5 million of babies were born with the help of IVF. There were interviews with many leading doctors from this field.

And guess  what - nowhere was it mentioned that IVF can not help everybody. That is not a magical solution for every infertile couple.

***

In the middle of black week I got an email from a colleague that used to be in my IVF-support group. She sent an email to lots of us. There was a photo of a baby (1year old toddler) that she just brought from Russia.  Then there were lots of other - congratulations emails from ex-IVF-support group that just made me feel a real outsider. I belonged to that group. I don't any more. (just a note: is she not afraid that she might not bond with this child?). 

***

Yesterday my 5-year-old niece phoned me. Her voice sounds on my mobile so cute, so gentle... it reminds me on the sound of a little kitty. She invited me for a show that she is a part of, in a local theatre (dancing & singing).  I thanked her and then I lied. I said I had to go to work. How I wish I had my own children, then I would love to attend all that stuff. Now I just can't, it would be too hard (not watching my niece, but small talk of all the other parents from our little town).  


On majority of days I am pretty OK with being childless. On majority of days I am happy living my childless life. But not today. 


PS 
This black day will be continued now and then. Until December, when I am officially 40. Saying goodbye to my 30s is not that easy.  


PPS
Has anybody seen this movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaBVLhcHcc0 
I can't wait to see it!
I just borrowed a novel (I haven't read it yet), I will start to read it in the evening.


PPPS
Reminder. After I go on a long walk in the forrest, I will feel much better!